Forever
by Lina Inverse
Summary: Yuuhi has found true love, but he won't live happily ever after. Rating is for language and dark themes. I've stopped writing this in the middle
1. Prologue

Author's Notes: I don't own the AnC characters, so don't sue me. Some of the characters will be a little OOC (especially Chidori). Also, I can't say I'm a brilliant writer but I'd like to be better- please criticize in your reviews (as well as talk about how great I am, hehe) but not by flaming me.   
The prologue and first few chapters will start out kinda slow and mushy, but trust me, it'll get better later on and you'll thank me for writing the beginning.  
  
Prologue  
  
I love Aya. My feelings for her are definitely different from all the crushes I've had on other girls. It just feels like love... I know it sounds ridiculous, true love at such a young age. It seems like I'm some foolish, naïve kid blowing just another crush out of proportion. I've tried to tell myself this, but it didn't change anything. I guess if you try to tell yourself you're not in love and it just makes you more sure that you're in love, then... You're in love. 


	2. Chapter 1 Innocent Love

Notes: I don't own the AnC characters, so don't sue me. Some of the characters will be a little OOC (especially Chidori). Also, I can't say I'm a brilliant writer but I'd like to be better- please criticize in your reviews (as well as talk about how great I am, hehe) but not by flaming me.   
The prologue and first few chapters will start out kinda slow and mushy, but trust me, it'll get better later on and you'll thank me for writing the beginning.  
  
Chapter 1  
Innocent Love  
  
I dialed the familiar number, and my heart skipped a beat as I heard her beautiful voice say, "Konnichiwa. Oh, hi, Yuuhi-kun!" It wasn't that I was nervous about talking to her; I was merely excited. All through my mindless chat with Aya, I thought of how much I loved her, how much I wanted to be with her – forever, no matter how annoying she could get, and about how happy I was to be in love.  
  
"Aya." I paused, then nervously asked, "Have you figured out who I like?"  
  
"Yeah..." I could imagine her nodding her head, thinking it was nothing. As if I hadn't thought about what a pain in the ass she could be, and how terrible it would be living with that bitch, yet still wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. As if I sort of wanted to date her, but saw her more as just a friend. As if she wasn't everything to me.  
  
I knew that I wanted to tell her eventually. Some time during our lives, she'd have to know how I truly felt about her. I probably should tell her now, just in case I can't tell her tomorrow, yet somehow I can't bring myself to do it. It's not as if I feel that telling her would ruin anything. Sure, it would change things, maybe for the worse, but it'd be worth it to have her know. Maybe I'm a coward. Or maybe I'm not sure of my own feelings…. Whatever it is, I'm willing to take the risk of there not being a tomorrow. I'll just wait until I'm no longer a coward and until I'm sure I'm in love. It doesn't really matter, as long as she knows some day. For now, why not just celebrate our friendship?  
  
"Yuuhi!" Mrs. Q interrupted my thoughts and my conversation. "Can you make dinner tonight?"  
  
"Hai, hai!" Then, directing my voice to the telephone, I reluctantly told Aya, "Look, I've got to go cook."  
  
"All right. See ya." Upon those words, I smiled. I would love to see you, Aya.  
  
Shit, I'm obsessed. Two little words, a simple expression that people sometimes used when they didn't even have any plans of seeing the other person. This was one of those times when she had no plans to see me, yet I was practically jumping for joy. I was so excited at her telling me good-bye! Love… It makes you happy at times when it makes no sense. When I fell in love, I had stumbled upon the greatest thing in the world. Within it, I found eternal happiness.  
  
These thoughts in mind, I proceeded to the kitchen to cook. It was just like I always did, pulling out vegetables and noodles and spices, chopping and boiling and frying. Cooking was the same every day, but not monotonous. I enjoyed the routineness of it. Cooking was something I could always look forward to doing, just as I could always look forward to having another pleasant, innocent conversation with Aya. Why did people yearn for more excitement in their lives, when they could simply fall in love and instantly have their entire lives made for them?  
  
I finished cooking the gourmet noodle dish, set the table, and called Mrs. Q and Suzumi into the kitchen to eat. "Oishii!" shouted Mrs. Q in her amusing, manly voice. She's the housekeeper for me and Suzumi, my step sister who was nearly old enough to be my mother. I really respected Suzumi, and could talk to her about almost anything. As I sat at the table eating my delicious meal, if I don't say so myself, I figured that she would probably be the first person I'd talk about my love for Aya to. Although she was significantly older than me, she had met many of my friends- Aya, Tooya, Chidori, and the rest of them- and was almost as close a friend to them as I was. She was always giving advice to all of us, on any topic we wanted to discuss with her, from friends to philosophy. She was always clear-headed, soft-spoken, and open-minded. To me, she was the closest I had to a role model. To others, I'm sure she was a role model.  
  
"Nee, Yuuhi-kun, how's school going?" Suzumi asked, breaking my chain of thought.  
  
"All right," I said, giving my typical I-haven't-really-thought-about-it-and-this-is-a-stupid-subject answer.  
  
"Got a girlfriend yet?"  
  
"Nah."  
  
"You know, Aya doesn't have a boyfriend," Mrs. Q butted in, obviously trying to get me and Aya together. I couldn't help but smile at the idea of being with her, but at the same time. Blushing heavily, I thought of equally embarrasing replies I could make, but decided against it. Instead, I simply finished my meal in silence and cleared the table. 


	3. Chapter 2 Our Feelings Change

Thanks for the reviews everyone! I fixed the paragraphs problem. And for those of you in for the sappiness... It won't last long... Sorry guys! But I'm not really into happy romantic stories.  
  
Chapter 2  
Our Feelings Change  
  
"Ohaiyou Aya!" I shouted, running up to her and giving her a hug. She pushed me off. I didn't really care... I've given her so many unwanted hugs that I'm surprised she hadn't made an effort to stop me before.  
  
"Yuuhi-kun! You're obsessed..." said Tooya. Everyone laughed. Shit, Aya's cute when she laughs. Thank you for making Aya laugh, Tooya.  
  
Gee… I think I'm getting on Aya's nerves. Maybe I should just give up on her? It's not as if I have to stop worshipping her. She just wants to be friends, and we'd probably be best as friends…   
  
** ** **  
  
A few days passed, and I became more sure that I should just remain friends with Aya. Tooya had even asked me what I thought of Aya, and I told him that I thought she was the greatest person ever, but I didn't really want to date her.  
  
The next afternoon, Tooya came up to me. "You really don't want to date Aya anymore?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
What was his point? "Yeah," I said.  
  
"Oh... well... I guess you've got to know this. Me and Aya... We're together," Tooya said slowly.  
  
I didn't know what to think. Should I be jealous that the one I love chose this emotionless, silent man over me? Or should I be happy for her? ..What's the point of jealousy? There's no reason not to be happy.  
  
I smiled to Tooya. "It's all right. I don't mind."  
  
Dammit. As much as I try to be happy, I have to admit, I am a little jealous. I shouldn't feel that way. As long as my goddess gets treated like the goddess she is, who cares if she's mine or not? As long as Tooya is good to her, I should be happy.  
  
My eyes scanned the people in front of me. Chidori. As usual, she had a bright smile on. But anyone who knew her well saw through it. Chidori had been depressed ever since I had met her, and only wore the smile to hide what was really inside. The dark world that she truly lived in... It intrigued me.  
  
Chidori... I want to help you. I want to help you see that life's still worth living, that happiness is still worth feeling. I want to see your real smile.  
  
...Was I falling for Chidori? It'll work out better this way, since Aya's with Tooya. I laughed to myself. It was all working out so well. Aya could be happy with Tooya, and I could lead Chidori to happiness.  
  
So things don't work out way you expected them to. Big deal.. They'll work out some other way. I can't have Aya, so I'll just look to Chidori. Simple!  
  
...Right? 


	4. Chapter 3 I Love Aya

Chapter 3  
I love Aya  
  
Three days passed. As I lie in my bed, trying to think, Aya entered my head.  
  
"Damn you," I said in my head. "I want to be with Chidori."  
  
Aya just smiled at me. A beautiful smile. Dammit, I shouldn't think that.  
  
I tried to think Chidori, but Aya popped into my mind.  
  
Aya smiled innocently at me. "Is something wrong?" she asked sweetly.  
  
"I can't get you out of my head!" I screamed.  
  
Aya paused, then said, "Maybe..."  
  
"What have I been thinking?" I muttered out loud. "I love Aya!"  
  
That moment, everything came clear to me. I love Aya, I always will love Aya, and there's no reason to even try to change it. I tried to get over her by thinking of Chidori, but that could never work. I was a fool for thinking it would work.   
  
Love....... It's the strongest emotion of all. All the other emotions I've felt... I've been able to push them all away so easily. I barely had to try to subdue other emotions, but love is different. I've put so much effort into getting rid of my love for Aya, but after a mere three days, it's all blown over.  
  
It took me a long time to fall asleep that night.  
  
** ** **  
  
The next afternoon, in the middle of an unrelated discussion with Suzumi, I told her, "I want you to take me seriously about this, Suzumi. I... I love Aya."  
  
"I know."  
  
Silence followed. She's brilliant at finding out these things. I don't know why I told her. She can read my emotions just from my actions.  
  
"You know, Yuuhi," she said, breaking the silence.  
  
"Yes?" I responded.  
  
"You really should tell Tooya. At least that you like Aya."  
  
"Why?!"  
  
"She'll probably break it off with her if you tell her that."  
  
I grew irritated. "I don't WANT them to break up. They're happy the way they are."  
  
"Yuuhi. This is a secret, k?"  
  
"OK."  
  
"Tooya," she said, relflecting on her thoughts of him. "You know that he's been in a few relationships before, right?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Do you know how they ended?" After I gave no response, she continued. "He broke up with all of them. And afterwards, he hurt them. A lot of them don't talk to him anymore. Not only that, many of his exes have become depressed."  
  
"Shit," I said. "Yeah. I'll tell her tomorrow." 


	5. Chapter 4 Depression

Chapter 4  
Depression  
  
The next day, I told both Tooya and Aya that I still had feelings for Aya. Nothing changed.  
  
The fuck?! Suzumi said their relationship would end if I told! If Aya gets hurt.. I'll never forgive Tooya. I will protect Aya, even if it costs me my life.  
  
Why can't Aya be mine? I would never do anything to hurt her. Tooya barely cares about her, yet he's with her... She'd be happier with me.. I'd do anything she wanted to make her happy. Doesn't Aya realize that?  
  
The fuck am I gonna do now..? How else will I stop Tooya from hurting her?  
  
...And... I've been pushing myself on her. I know it annoys her. Yet I can't resist hugging her, showing her that I love her. I've been hurting her as well. I have to stop myself... I just won't talk to her anymore. Then I won't be able to hurt her, either.  
  
** ** **  
  
I can't live like this. I see Aya, and want nothing but to be with her. But I know I can't, so I look away.   
  
"Yuuhi-kun!" Chidori. "You've been looking upset lately."  
  
Whatever. I'll make it through this. I just need a while to adjust to being without Aya. "I'll be fine."  
  
"'K," she responded. Her smile faded. I hadn't been paying attention to what I was doing; Chidori and I had been walking away from everybody. It was just me and her, so she no longer needed her façade.  
  
I thought for a minute. I'd been a little attracted to Chidori- even if it was mostly fake- and she made a comment about me being upset. Dammit... I wish I were dead...  
  
Wait a sec... Why am I wishing I were dead? I thought I had recovered from my depression that I had had when I first moved to Tokyo. Ah well. I'll let it come back for a little while. It might be fun. My life has been boring lately anyway. Cooking hasn't been as fun as it should be, so maybe playing with my own emotions for a while will change things.  
  
I wonder... I've been hurting Aya, and my attempt to help her failed. Maybe I am worthless. What does it matter if I'm a good cook? People enjoy my food, but it's all over in about fifteen minutes. I'm only good at what isn't important. Why can't I be good at making people happy.. Something that means something?  
  
What should I do? I need advice.. Who to go to? I looked up. Mrs. Q had arrived to pick me up from school.  
  
"Yuuhi! Hi!" she shouted as I climbed in the car.  
  
"Hey, Mrs. Q. I.. I have a question."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I've got a secret, and I need somebody I can really trust to not tell and to give me advice."  
  
"Don't look at me.. Hmm.. Chidori's good at that type of stuff."  
  
"Yeah. You're right. Thanks, Q-san!"  
  
When we arrived at home, I called Chidori. "Oi... Chidori. Can you keep a secret?"  
  
"Yeah. But whyddya wanna tell me?" she asked coldly.  
  
"Cause I gotta tell someone. And Mrs. Q thought you'd be a good person to tell."  
  
"I'm not a good person to tell."  
  
I remained silent.  
  
She sighed. "I'm sick of everybody telling me stuff. Worrying about me, telling me that things are OK."  
  
"Are they trying to force you to see a counselor or anything?" I asked.  
  
"Nah, but.."  
  
"I kinda feel like I have to tell you.."  
  
"Don't."  
  
"I... I want to kill myself. With all this Aya and Tooya shit.."  
  
"You're crazy..."  
  
"Well, it's not entirely them. It's just... I feel worthless about everything... I... I thought I had been able to handle depression."  
  
"Maybe you just don't have experience with it."  
  
"That's not it. I used to be depressed."  
  
"Maybe you haven't been depressed long enough."  
  
"Yeah. You're right." I hung up the phone. Yeah. I guess I'll just stick with it, and try to see what I need to beat it. 


	6. Chapter 5 Let Things Be

Chapter 5  
Let Things Be  
  
Aya's so happy and innocent... How can she stay that way while the world is such a piece of crap? She must be amazingly strong to keep a positive outlook in this negative life. She really is an amazing woman.. I'm so weak, letting my emotions fall as I realize how dark the world really is. I'm just a pathetic little depressed guy who can't get a girlfriend.  
  
Whatever. Even if she can manage to stay happy, she should show that she realizes how shitty life is. She's been sheltered, hasn't she? She's never had a boyfriend that used her before. Why else would she follow Tooya around so faithfully when it's so obvious that he'll end up hurting her?  
  
I thought back to a past conversation with Suzumi...  
  
"Suzumi, why are you stoic?" I asked. Few people knew this, but Suzumi had suppressed all emotions when the love of her life passed away.  
  
"Because.. I felt only emotions of sadness and anger. By eliminating all emotions, I have become able to think through things logically. Well, I'm not entirely stoic actually. When somebody unjustly betrays another, I do feel angry."  
  
"Why would you have to feel angry?"  
  
"Because the other person is getting hurt, of course!"  
  
"But maybe it's for the better that nobody intervenes. You can't shelter them from everything. It's important that they learn how to handle betrayal so that when they are betrayed in a bigger sense, it does not hurt them as badly."  
  
That's right. Aya can't be sheltered forever. If she is never hurt by Tooya now, what will happen when another man uses her? Her relationship with Tooya will probably be very short anyway. If she marries a man who does not love her, what will happen then?  
  
It'll be hard, but I said with my own mouth that sheltering others is wrong. It's tempting to set Aya free of this pain, but in the long run, it'll be better for her. I'll let Tooya have his way with her.. Only to prevent her from ever being hurt worse.  
  
** ** **  
  
I walked up to Tooya wearing fake smile the next day. "Tooya!"  
  
He turned around and greeted me with a smile.  
  
"I.. I'm going to accept that you and Aya are together. You make her happy.. And that makes me happy."  
  
"All right," Tooya said, smiling back at me. "She makes me happy too."  
  
I didn't respond. I don't give a shit if she makes you happy. Just break up with her and be done with it. Please... because I can't keep up this lie for long. 


	7. Chapter 6 Experimenting With Pain

Author's note: Warning! This chapter contains self-mutilation. For those of you uncomfortable with the topic, stop reading now. And I don't mean skip this chapter, because the cutting descriptions will only get more bloody and graphic. I'm considering changing the rating on this story to R- do you think it's necessary? Tell me in reviews.  
  
Chapter 6  
Experimenting with Pain  
  
Dammit. I want to die. I hate my life. I want it all to end. Now. But then everybody will be sad and shit. They'll feel bad and blame themselves for my suicide. Maybe I should go off to college and kill myself there? Make it seem like a random death.  
  
I wonder what it would be like to die? Painful.. And then nothing. OK. Nothing I can deal with. I want nothing. I don't care what happens next.  
  
But the pain... Could I really take the pain of stabbing myself and not flinch and give up?  
  
I looked around me. A pair of scissors. Maybe I can get some practice, build up my resistance to pain so that I will be able to take stabbing myself. I picked them up, opened them, brought them up to my arm, and slashed. I flinched back in pain. There wasn't even blood. I'm such a fucking wimp. Or maybe I just have to overcome my stupid reflexes. Ah well. I'll just cut more and try harder, and I'll be able to handle it. I lifted the scissors back up, and this time slowly closed them on the skin of my forearm. It hurt like hell, but in a way, it felt kind of good. I tightened them, hoping to cut my skin like a piece of paper.  
  
I kept the scissors closed on my arm for a full fifteen minutes, then let go. I can't believe I didn't cut through the skin. I sighed, then closed the scissors on my arm again.  
  
After releasing the scissors, I noticed that the place where I closed the scissors the first time was bleeding. I smiled.  
  
I thought of what else I could do, and went upstairs to my bathroom and grabbed my razor. Perfect. Now, only one more question: where to cut.  
  
Almost automatically, I bring the razor to my right hand. I pull it over my knuckles. No blood. No pain. Well, it's only once, what did I expect? I will do it a full fifty times! To each knuckle!  
  
I cut and cut. Ten times. Nothing.  
  
Twenty times. They look a little red.  
  
Thirty times. Blood slowly seeps out, filling in the creases of my skin, staining them a bright red.  
  
Forty times. Tearing my cuts farther open. Watching the blood flow in tiny streams through every crevasse in my knuckles. I held my hand up to the light, which reflected off of the already bright red streams. Beautiful. And slightly painful.  
  
Fifty times. I stood, amazed. Fifty cuts. In less than a minute. It did not even seem like an endurance test... If it was a test at all, it was a test to keep up the pace of the counting in my mind to match the pace of my cutting. I stood there, smiling.  
  
Smiling. I hadn't really smiled in the past few weeks. Yet, with my knuckles soaked in blood, a dull, stinging pain, and a bloodied razor in my hand, I smiled. All of my tension, my anger, my agony- released. What brought me to do this to myself anyway? Who cares. I was too wrapped up in my thrill to care.  
  
Suddenly, my mind came back to its senses. I couldn't stay locked in the bathroom admiring my bloody hand like this forever. I had to clean up and leave and act normal sometimes. Sighing, I turned on the faucet and held my hand under it. The water reddened as it fell, while my hand lost its new color. I turned the faucet off, but, almost instantly, more blood seeped out of the small torn holes in my hand. Again, I cleaned my hand. And twenty minutes later, the blood stopped.  
  
I went to bed that night happier and more peaceful than ever before. 


	8. Chapter 7 Confession

Chapter 7  
Confession  
  
"You say that lies are evil, yet you lie about your emotions all the time," I told her. Although Suzumi is stoic, she covers it up with fake smiles, fake tears, fake everything.  
  
"It's not really a lie. It's just not showing the truth."  
  
"No. You put up signs of emotion that are in contrary to how you really feel. It is not merely not telling."  
  
Suzumi sighed. "Yeah. I guess you're right. But still, how will it hurt anyone?"  
  
"What if somebody admires you for the happiness you pretend to have? He bases his life around trying to be as happy as you are. It works out great for them, but after a while, they learn that you're stoic. He's crushed that he's been living up to a fake idol, and is lost in life."  
  
"I... I never thought about it that way."  
  
Dammit. I've been lying to everyone. Pretending I'm happy. Pretending I haven't cut myself. I'm a mother-fucking liar!!!!! What if this fucks up other peoples' lives.. That I'm not telling them what I'm going through? I'm a fucking hypocritical liar. I've become depressed in my attempts to help people, but now I'm fucking lying to them.  
  
I'm the worst person to ever live. I should just cleanse the world of me. I should just die. But how?  
  
I would love to stab myself in the heart. But if I do that, then my death will not accomplish anything. How about if I go find somebody about to be run over by a car, and then leap in the way to defend them? They survive, and I die. Painfully.  
  
Yet, the temptation to stab myself through the heart.. It seems so perfect. I can wear a white shirt, the blood staining it, turning it into a soggy dark red fabric.  
  
"Whatever," I muttered to myself, letting out a deep sigh. Nobody else in this house can cook worth shit. I gotta stay alive and cook for them. Until I go to college. Then I die. Two more years. It'll be a shitty two years, awaiting my death, being in constant misery but never being able to end it. For two more years.  
  
Well, two years is a long time to plan. I can be sure to have the perfect suicide with all that planning time. And I don't even have to think about it now. Hmmm, what was I thinking about before? Oh, right. How I'm a fucking liar.  
  
I've been lying to Aya. Pretending I had a mere crush on her. I've gotta come out and tell her the truth.  
  
I laid down on my bed, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought. Shit. How am I going to tell her? Is she going to feel sorry for me and break up with Tooya? She'd better not. I can't let them break up just because of me. Well, I can explain that I'm happy for her and want her to stay with them. That'll work. And then I have to get her to believe me. To understand that I'm not just saying it for the hell of it. To understand that I'm truly in love with her. Hmm, I could just tell her that I know I'll love her forever, no matter what. That I could tell that it wasn't just a crush. And that I was telling her just because I felt that she should know.  
  
** ** **  
  
The next day at school, I did just that. And I finally ended with an, "I've fallen in love with you." Dammit, I immediately thought. I didn't want to say it like that! It would have been so much better if it had been a simple "I love you." Oh well. Not the end of the world.  
  
"Oh... Well... That'll make things interesting," Aya said, after a period of silence. I could tell she didn't know what to say, and said that kind of to break the silence.  
  
"Yeah. I'm sorry."  
  
"Yeah." Aya paused, then walked up to Tooya and hugged him. Briefly. Then she walked off.  
  
Wow. No other words could enter into my mind. Just wow.   
  
But then I had to get back to class. Two more classes, then I would see Tooya.  
  
"Tooya," I said.  
  
He looked up at me. "So... What happened? It's weird... She was talking to you, then without saying anything, she hugged me. Then left."  
  
He didn't understand it. That meant... She didn't hug him for him. She hugged him for me. To show me that she understood me. That she realized that even though I love her, I'd rather have her be happy than to have her be with me. That hug was all for me. It was almost as if she had hugged me, not Tooya. I smiled at the thought.  
  
"Well?" Tooya asked.  
  
"Oh," I stammered. "I told her, then she was like 'oh, that'll make things interesting,' then she hugged you and then it was over."  
  
Wow. Aya knows I love her. And nothing's changed. Telling the truth... It's not so bad, after all. 


	9. Chapter 8 RiteAid

Chapter 8  
Rite-Aid  
  
The school bell rang, signaling the end of the day. As usual, I went to visit Chidori for a quick chat.  
  
"Konnichiwa, Yuuhi-kun!" Chidori called to me.  
  
"Hey." Then I remembered. I wanted to get more razors today.  
  
"How long are you staying today?" she asked.  
  
I thought for a second. "Maybe only five minutes or so. I have an errand to run." I smiled at myself. An errand.  
  
Chidori was silent. She was looking at her arms. What was she thinking? It kind of looked like she was looking at old scars..  
  
Quietly, so that nobody but Chidori would hear me, I asked her, "You cut yourself?"  
  
Chidori shook her head.  
  
"Looks like you're looking at some old scars."  
  
Chidori nodded this time. "I did. I used to. But not anymore. Cause I went to the hospital and then they won't let me cut anymore."  
  
"Ah." I paused. "Maybe I should get going now."  
  
I walked off laughing to myself. She thinks I'm running an errand! An errand! Something to do as a favor to do for another.. Not going on a mission to be able to hurt yourself better.  
  
I arrived at Rite-Aid. Shit. I gotta look like I'm not here for cutting. I just ran out of razors and need more. Just an innocent guy..  
  
Ah ha! I found the razor section. Mens razors, womens razors. Refills. Yes. I smiled to myself, and looked at them. Fifteen double edged chrome blades. Perfect. And only five dollars.  
  
Again, I laughed to myself. Razors were like a drug to me. Except cheaper. Why would people waste so much money on drugs when they can cut themselves?  
  
As I waited in line to purchase the blades, I grew nervous. What if the cashier knew what I was up to? ...Nah. I could just be some guy who needs refills for his razor. Perfectly innocent.  
  
For once, my wishes were fulfilled. Nobody seemed to be suspicious of me. And I had fifteen new precious razors.  
  
Waiting at the bus stop and riding home, I grew anxious. I couldn't wait to get home and cut. Lock myself in the bathroom, cut, wipe off the blood.  
  
Luckily, the trip was short, and in no time, I was ripping the packaging open. I pulled out a razor a little too quickly and cut myself. I chuckled to myself. Accidentally cutting yourself when planning to cut yourself. Blood filled the gap in my thumb and trickled over my finger.  
  
I pulled a razor out, and wondered what to do with it. So many places over my body. Where to start? Then, suddenly, I pulled my shirt over my head and pulled the razor down my shoulder. It didn't bleed. It didn't hurt. My next step was only natural: to cut again, and deeper. This time, I felt pain, and uncontrollably recoiled. Damn. That prevented me from cutting deeper. But by this time, my first cut was bleeding heavily, and a sharp pain ran throughout the entire length of the red line on my shoulder. Beautiful. My pathetic skin covered in a shining shade of red. I ran my finger over the blood and licked it. As I expected, it tasted metallic, which I found rather unpleasant. Oh well, so I'm not a vampire. Just because I dislike the taste of blood doesn't mean that I dislike the look of blood or the feeling of pain.  
  
I might as well have been in heaven; the pain felt so good, the sight of blood eased my eyes, and the thrill enticed my mind. When was the last time I had been this happy? What else pleased me this much? Never. Nothing. It screamed plain and clear into my mind: I love to cut! Not only that, I thought I might even be addicted. Addicted? To cutting? Was it even possible?  
  
**Author's note: Yes! Cutting is VERY addictive. Don't start. Or at the very least, be aware before starting. Trust me. I am a cutting addict, and I'm working on my third attempt at quitting. I hope this is a case where the third time's a charm. And I bet you're hoping to get back to the story. Ha. Too bad. I'm ending the chapter. R&R, and tell me if this fic has gotten to the point where I have to change the rating to R or not.** 


	10. Chapter 9 Denied Feelings

Chapter 9  
Denied Feelings  
  
I suddenly found myself thinking about Chidori. We had this interesting relationship: We were clearly just friends, hell, sometimes we hated each other, but no matter what, we could always trust each other about anything.  
  
What would it be like if Chidori and I were more than friends? The thought enthralled me. Me and Chidori would work way better than me and Aya anyway. Hell, I'm hiding my depression from Aya because I know she'll freak or tell or something if she finds out. Yet I'm willing to tell Chidori all about it. How could me and Aya work when I don't even trust her? And she sure as hell doesn't trust me. Do I even love Aya at all?  
  
...Wait a minute. Look at what my love for Aya has done to me. Dammit, if only I were at home where I had my new razors and could lock myself up in the bathroom to use them! Why do I have to be in this stupid school? Maybe I should take some razors with me? But what if the staff found them and then thought I was gonna hurt somebody with them? Well, technically, I would be hurting somebody with them. But somebody willing, even somebody who wants it! Dammit. Tonight I want to cut on my upper right thigh. Nice, even lines. Blood slowly dripping down my legs.  
  
And I can just forget about that bitch Aya. I can forget about her entirely and move on to somebody I trust. Chidori.  
  
I sighed, struggling to bear with not being able to cut through the rest of the day. Every minute, my thoughts lingered either on Chidori or the razor, and the anxiety only grew as more time without my desires continued on.  
  
Finally I arrived at home, and literally ran into the bathroom, where I took off my pants and grabbed my razorblade from its hiding place. Quickly, I rubbed it against my leg. Once, twice, three times. The blood trickled out of the wounds, seeping to the sides of my legs. But it wasn't enough. I cut once more, then proceeded to wash the blood, being sure to press hard so that the friction would wipe the blood as well as worsen the wound.  
  
My thoughts now cleared, I proceeded to tackle my problem involving Aya and Chidori. I don't want to love Aya. I want to leave her and Tooya to fuck up their own love life. Why should I butt in, getting blamed for their breakup and preventing Aya from learning her lesson, when it'll end soon enough anyway? I must focus myself on Chidori. Not only is she a better match for me, considering I can actually trust her, but she is also available. And if I like Chidori, then it'll be easier for me to just quit this shit going on in my head over Aya.  
  
But would that be using Chidori to get over Aya? Shit. I picked up the phone, and dialed Chidori's number.  
  
"Hello?" she asked tiredly.  
  
"Chidori. This question is going to sound a little weird.."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Well, I kind of sort of like you. Would you really mind if I tried to like you more to get over Aya?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Really? Thanks!" I paused, then added, "You don't have to do anything anyway. You just have to allow me to like you."  
  
"Okay. Bye." She hung up the phone. Dammit. Conversations with her were always like this. We always said what we needed to say, and then we didn't know what else to say. But who gives a shit, anyway? Since we actually trust and understand each other, we don't have to say everything. Some of it just comes, and if that impedes our conversations, so be it. 


End file.
